Sunday, January 25, 2009

Top Ten Worst Bloody Films of 2008

So 2008 has ended (weeks ago) and this is a very important time for admirers of film. It’s the time to release your Best of 2008 lists. The importance of these lists are debatable, but they are fun. Fun to read, fun to write. It’s fun stuff. None of this is incredibly set in stone. Yes, I have the films in a certain order but don’t expect a really good reason of why this is #7 and that is #8. I have four lists to spit out here. Expect to see a Best Performers list and then a Best Scenes list. This is all leading up to the Best Films of 2008 list! Whoo and whatnot!

Yet before we can praise the good, we must stare at the bad. Stare and glare. Glare and hate. Hate and kick in the shins. Now these are the worst that I’ve seen. Obviously I’m not stupid enough to see Disaster Movie or The Love Guru or any of that garbage. I’m not that masochistic. So let’s have at it. Here’s my Top Ten Worst Bloody Movies of 2008. 

10. Australia

Yep, Australia. I was looking forward to this one. I’m not a big Baz Luhrmann fan. I like certain scenes of Moulin Rouge! and a majority of Strictly Ballroom, but I hate all of Romeo + Juliet.  Yet these trailers sold. It looked beautiful and it had Explosions in the Sky in the background. How could this fail? Easily. It ended up being really really funny. There are so many things that happen in this movie that astound me. Why in the world the character would do that? Why isn’t that character mourning? What? Why is there an obsession with The Wizard of Oz? Wait, is that kid supposed to be magical? Are you trying to tell me war is bad? It’s a poorly made movie, but still manages to be a truly great looking movie. So just pause the movie and frame those shots and put them on the wall. Just be careful when you press play.

9. Hancock

I’m not a huge Will Smith fan, but I was intrigued by this concept. A superhero who doesn’t want to be a superhero or even likable. This could be great! What a different role for Will Smith. It was directed by Peter Berg who I like. Michael Bluth and Rita back together. This could work. It didn’t work. There’s a dozen things going on with this film. A stupid “twist” that really cheats a lot of the characters. A very very very tacked on antagonist. Also there’s a very unsatisfying character arc. Even the action wasn’t that great.

8. Untraceable

This is part one of the ongoing series of Austin being unable to turn down free screenings. Is this a good movie? No. Is this the kind of movie that made me angry? No. (Those are coming.) What this movie is is very stupid and extremely forgettable. I saw this in January last year and I am struggling to remember my complaints about it. I swear I had major points against it. Yet I’m coming up blank. It’s like the neurons in my brain are…no. I’m not going to make that punny joke. So don’t see it; I’ll remember why later.

7. Semi-Pro

There are people who watch sitcoms on TV and they don’t laugh for the duration of the half hour. Yet at the end of the episode, they admit to liking the show. Why? You are supposed to laugh at comedies. Sadly, I once again didn’t laugh at this. I think I’m really growing thin of Will Ferrel’s shtick. I didn’t see Blades of Glory or Step Brothers and don’t want to. If this is what he does with an R rating, I’m not interested. The only ones that are funny in this movie are Will Arnett and Andrew Daly and I’m sure that’s because of improvising. Perhaps the strangest thing about this movie is that it tries to have a legitimate dramatic subplot that falls flat on its face.

6. Vantage Point

There’s a fantastic movie called Rashomon. It’s been ripped-off a billion times, but this is still the best version. The movie is about a rape that is told through four different perspectives all with different variations. It shows how one can see something completely different from someone else. This movie shows a crime from different “vantage points.” Yet none of them are truly insightful or really memorable. What is amazing is that so many good actors are in this very lame thriller. I truly don’t know what they saw in this script riddled with terrible dialog and lousy plotting.

5. Mamma Mia!

Yes! I said it! Yes, everyone loves this film. And when I say everyone, I mean women. Yet I don’t know why. This movie should be insulting to them.  For all the women in this movie are borderline retarded. This was a movie that I had to take a break while watching it and walk around a little bit. I hated all of the characters. I hated the script. I hate the dialog. I REALLY hated the ending. Lots of hatred. However, I did like Meryl Streep in it. She was charming despite her saying stupid things and doing even worse things. She ought to do more comedies.

4. Baghead

I was looking forward to this movie. I sorta enjoyed The Puffy Chair and the trailer provided a decent concept. Then I saw it. Sam Watermeier and I have debated this movie for a long time. I didn’t save the conversation, but I think I won. This movie is garbage. I wanted all of the characters to fail in life. No, because then they will still sit around and bitch about it in an uninteresting fashion. I want these characters to die in a way that no one will mourn them. We are supposed to care about these characters as they try to become famous while being attacked by a mysterious guy out in the forest. This movie fails on so many regards that I am truly astounded.

3. What Just Happened

Welcome to Part Two of Austin Doesn’t Know How to Say No to Free Screenings. I don’t feel bad for this movie for it failed in the title already. Don’t alley-oop the critics with the title! If you have a movie called Bad Movie or Waste of Time, it’s like you are trying to write the first review before the professionals have a chance at it. This is supposed to be a comedy, but I truly never saw a joke. This is supposed to be a brutal insight into Hollywood, but I never saw any of that either. What follows is a very tame and very boring movie that has already been made by better folk. This movie has nothing interesting to say and I am confused on the fact it exists.

2. 88 Minutes

Yes, it was an advanced free screening, but why did I go? I truly don’t know. Maybe I figured Al Pacino knew something that I didn’t. This movie is beyond stupid. I have never seen a movie where I’m convinced there’s a plothole in every single scene. The gimmick never ever works. I am truly at awe of this movie. It’s horrendous.  Don’t see it. If you forgot about this movie until seeing this list, I’m sorry. Try to forget again. I know I am.

1. The Happening.

Of course it’s The Happening! How could the #1 not be The Happening? Have you seen this movie? You haven’t? Congrats. This movie isn’t like some of the others on this list where I got angry at how bad it was; this was the kind of movie where I was confused on how bad it was. There’s a monologue about hot dogs FOR NO REASON. There’s an old lady smashing her head against a window FOR A REASON, I GUESS. There’s a performance by Mark Wahlberg that truly needs to be seen to be believed. This movie is truly the work of a madman. I don’t think I’ll ever trust M. Night Shyamalan again. This is the sort of thing that puts you in Hollywod Jail for life. 

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