Confessions of an Exhausted Fictional Character Part I

Confessions of an Exhausted Fictional Character

Part I – May I Have the Attention of the Class

Today the teacher wrote the word “Hamlet” on the chalkboard. That was it. In a sea of green nothingness, he alleviated the blandness with…”Hamlet.” Then I looked around me and everybody was taking notes. They all wrote down “Hamlet.” Last month we got our syllabus where we knew we were going to read Hamlet this month. For the past week he told us to bring our copy of Hamlet on Tuesday. If anybody was confused that we were going to talk about Hamlet today, thank God there was the written realization for us.

Then all he said was “To be or not to be. But what really is the question?” before the bell rang. How was that even possible? We were in class for a total of ten minutes after he took attendance. Then he told us to read chapters one through five as people ran bustled out the door, but that doesn’t even make sense because it’s a play...They have acts and scenes….

On the way out Mr. Gregson asked Miranda Clover if she could stay after for a second. I swear to God, all of the commotion silenced. I was packing stuff into my bag and even that became quieter. I have binder on binder action and that is muted. Why the fuck do I even bring binders to this class? We never discuss anything! Every once in awhile, a teacher goes off on a monologue that doesn’t really apply to today’s lesson. But then a really attractive person stands up and says “I…I have to go.” Then the teacher is okay with it. In fact, they usually nod with a goddamn smile. You know what happens for the rest of the class? Nothing. The bell rings again.

I don’t even know what the bell means anymore. I thought it meant that was when class started and ended. Yet I’ve never made it into a classroom before it rang. Usually it rings right when I’m a few feet from the door. Sometimes I get distracted and I end up talking to my friend in the hallway. We talk for awhile until one of us asks the other a personal question. Then the bell rings! The question is never answered because we always say “I have to make it to class…” Shouldn’t we be tardy already?

The only thing that doesn’t suck about this school is the locker setup. You know who is to the locker to my left? My best friend. You know who is the locker to my right? My other best friend. You know who has the locker 10 down from me? My crush. It’s not just me. Every single nerdy outcast I know at this school has the exact same situation. I honestly don’t know how this happened. It’s not like we picked our lockers or filled out a form. At least it’s nice that our lunch period seems to be endless and the school set up a ton of tables outside. Even though most people just seem to stand around. Aren’t they hungry the rest of the day?

This school is nuts. Honestly it feels like I just have one class most of the time. Every year it’s a different focus. Right now it’s English class where we write down the title of the most famous play of all time, but last year it was history. Every other class seems to just be there just for a short anecdote each week; I have no idea what my GPA is.

I’m scared that I’m going to fail out of school, but I already got into the state’s college. In fact so did everybody I know. I figured all of the smartest kids in the class would go out of state to a really good private school, but everybody seems to be going to the same college. Even the juvenile delinquents who misspelled Hamlet in their notes seem to be going to the state college.

I’m pretty sure I haven’t learned a damn thing. Yet Miranda seems to learn an obvious life lesson every single Friday. Is the school only trying to teach three people? The only people who get called on in class are Miranda, her quirky best friend, the guy she has a crush on, the bitch who hates her and the bitch’s braindead best friend. I know all of the answers! I raise my hand! I haven’t been called on once in my entire academic career. Even in Kindergarten, Miranda was the one who read the book aloud to the class.

Why am I always in the same classes with all of these people?! It’s a big school! I think! All my classes are in the same looking hallway. I keep thinking I will have a class in a different part of the school, but I’m a senior and I’ve never used the second floor.

I won’t be shocked at all if this is some government conspiracy or a scientific experiment posing as a high school. Until someone figures out, I have to figure out where chapter five ends for my reading assignment.